We need to talk about Breakfast Dates.

breakfastdate

Lately I’ve been invited on a couple of dates… in the morning, breakfast dates. By breakfast date I am not making reference to a ‘bangover’ bagel purchased after a cheeky adult sleepover. The breakfast date refers to people asking to meet for breakfast in hipster joints all over London, on weekdays, before work. The concept does not rock my boat and I am completely baffled as to why this craze has been taking the dating scene by storm.

Granted, I look fresh AF in the morning, first thing when my brows are sculpted to perfection and my mascara hasn’t sweated of making me resemble a panda bear. For these reasons  mornings are perfect,  for meetings and conference calls, so where do dates slot into the mix? Instantly a brekkie date is going to feel corporate, somewhat like a job interview. I don’t want to be interviewed for the position of a suitor for some random I’m meeting. What happens if you make it through the first round of interviews, do you make it through to the boardroom? This is Tinder not fucking Linked In.

The second huge fail of breakfast dates is the blatant lack of Gin. How am I supposed to throw causal flirty chat about without my trusty slimline prop in hand? Unthinkable. Various bloggerss that are trying to push forward breakfast meets suggest that a lack of alcohol is a positive regarding dating, as it allows you to show the ‘real’ you, without having anything to hide behind yada yada yawn… boring. In my opinion a little dutch courage is essential to get you through a date, and to mask your crippling shyness. Personally, I am boring and incomplete without a Gin or a ‘Savvy B’ in my belly, plus it showcases my hobbies and interests. I don’t have many other ones so it’s kind of important that whoever I’m dating enjoys getting on the sauce.

Thirdly, what am I supposed to eat? If I am going out out for breakfast then I would want a breakfast burrito, at the very least I’d settle for a bacon sandwich, but these aren’t very lady like options and I don’t want to spend the rest of the day at work in a food coma, so that leaves you with cereal or croissants? Every woman has felt the pain of trying to eat a croissant without covering their entire face and lipstick in a flaky mess. Also, there isn’t any room for any amorous action, you cant have a cheeky kiss because of foul coffee breath and also because of the formal breakfast interview you’ve just sat through. Not so sexy. So basically, I can’t eat what I want, If I can’t eat what my heart desires and it’s not socially acceptable to drink Gin in the morning then what’s the point of eating before elevenses?

The internet’s most bland bloggers also suggest other GREAT reasons to AM date are that it’s cheap. To which I reply, fuck off, I’m not dating anyone who is tight. You don’t have to be loaded but you have to show willing to impress me, I’d rather think you’d spent all month saving up to take me to Pizza Express then to think you’d taken me for breakfast because that way you have extra dollar to spend down the pub on Friday night with your mate who is probably called Darren. The last plausible reason I can find that said bloggers are pushing is that the rest of the day is free, Well if you have a job, then probably no, You’ll most likely have to shoot off in a rush to catch a tube and work for the rest of the day. In which case, if the breakfast went well, you’ll not be able to get your shit together or STFU about it to your agitated work colleagues, but more likely than that, the date will of been shit, because it’s BREAKFAST, the least sexy of all the meals. In which case you’ll want to skive off and brood in the pub whist you look for a man to take you out in the evening, for a real date with Gin and if successful, a late night pash over a shared kebab like lady and the tramp. Romance.

Can we all agree that breakfast dates are not chic? In fact I find them extremely unnerving, What sort of man wants to shoot the shit over coffee then strut off to work without even trying it on? At least invite me back to yours for well, some more hypothetical coffee so that I can politely decline. But NO, you can’t because of work. I cannot see the appeal in being squeezed into someone’s schedule because their evenings are too precious a time to spend on you. if you can’t make the time to take me out and get me wasted and have a dance off then a conflict of interests is going to appear swiftly.

So basically, AM dating is not acceptable. Morning meet cutes are lame, so please everyone stop trying to make them a thing.

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Deal Breakers

When it comes to men, there are only two thought processes that flow through my mind, ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. The more yesses a man scores, the better chance the guy has of me being interested, but a single no and I will never be attracted to you, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t.

Things that I can not tolerate;

Unkempt beards & man buns.

Big bums, if a guy has a voluptuous curve of the posterior kind then I’m sorry, I’m just not into it, possibly because I associate them with women and unfortunately I’m not a lesbian.

When a man has too much stuff in his pockets, thus making his arse look gigantic. Seriously, if you need to take that much stuff out with you then get a man bag at least or some less ill fitting trousers. There’s something about being able to see a man’s keys, wallet, life story and unborn children through his jeans that makes me want to vomit.

Blatant drug habits, like, I don’t mind if they like the occasional good time, I have my fair share of self destructive habits, but at some point it just gets tragic, you’re a grown man for goodness sake, you gotta watch out for your nostrils.

Long fingernails, no graphic explanation needed.

Men who copy Joey Essex’s style. I love Joey Essex, I think he’s adorable, the same way as I would find a little brother or a puppy adorable. Do I want to sleep with him? No.

The over use of the words and phrases ‘banter’, ‘bants’ ‘top bants’, ‘bantersarus rex’, ‘archbishop of Banterbury’ and so on and so forth. Something about it makes my skin crawl and I really struggle to find anyone who uses these terms attractive. You could be Jake Gyllenhaal, but if you call me ‘Bantony Hopkins’, I might just punch you square in the face.

Chaps that think it’s acceptable to wear Lynx ‘Africa’ or ‘Joop!’. Nope, nah, never.

Men that take too many selfies. Stop it you fools. To add to this, men that take any amount of Gym mirror selfies. Give up on life. If you look after yourself, I appreciate the work you’ve put in, it’s very well received, believe me. If you document it on your instagram account, I will think you’re a twat. I don’t care about how much you lift and I certainly don’t want to be around to experience your protein shake farts. Also, if men are too muscular, they start looking like Stretch Armstrong dolls and not human beings.

Dick Pics/topless photos. Bitch please, I will screenshot, I will show everyone I know, including my parents and grandmother, I will laugh and not once will my loins fill with desire.

‘Peacocking’ about money and belongings. I don’t care about your car, samurai sword, football sticker collection, house on the hills, your stint in med’ school, if your daddy is a lawyer or where you took your pony on your gap year. We all want nice things, we all want more money then we have. We also all need to be a bit more humble.  If during conversation you start to sound like as much of a narcissistic prick as Kanye West, not only will my mind wander, but so will my legs along with the rest of my body, out the door and back home to my dog and netflix. Cyaaa.

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