We need to talk about Breakfast Dates.

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Lately I’ve been invited on a couple of dates… in the morning, breakfast dates. By breakfast date I am not making reference to a ‘bangover’ bagel purchased after a cheeky adult sleepover. The breakfast date refers to people asking to meet for breakfast in hipster joints all over London, on weekdays, before work. The concept does not rock my boat and I am completely baffled as to why this craze has been taking the dating scene by storm.

Granted, I look fresh AF in the morning, first thing when my brows are sculpted to perfection and my mascara hasn’t sweated of making me resemble a panda bear. For these reasons  mornings are perfect,  for meetings and conference calls, so where do dates slot into the mix? Instantly a brekkie date is going to feel corporate, somewhat like a job interview. I don’t want to be interviewed for the position of a suitor for some random I’m meeting. What happens if you make it through the first round of interviews, do you make it through to the boardroom? This is Tinder not fucking Linked In.

The second huge fail of breakfast dates is the blatant lack of Gin. How am I supposed to throw causal flirty chat about without my trusty slimline prop in hand? Unthinkable. Various bloggerss that are trying to push forward breakfast meets suggest that a lack of alcohol is a positive regarding dating, as it allows you to show the ‘real’ you, without having anything to hide behind yada yada yawn… boring. In my opinion a little dutch courage is essential to get you through a date, and to mask your crippling shyness. Personally, I am boring and incomplete without a Gin or a ‘Savvy B’ in my belly, plus it showcases my hobbies and interests. I don’t have many other ones so it’s kind of important that whoever I’m dating enjoys getting on the sauce.

Thirdly, what am I supposed to eat? If I am going out out for breakfast then I would want a breakfast burrito, at the very least I’d settle for a bacon sandwich, but these aren’t very lady like options and I don’t want to spend the rest of the day at work in a food coma, so that leaves you with cereal or croissants? Every woman has felt the pain of trying to eat a croissant without covering their entire face and lipstick in a flaky mess. Also, there isn’t any room for any amorous action, you cant have a cheeky kiss because of foul coffee breath and also because of the formal breakfast interview you’ve just sat through. Not so sexy. So basically, I can’t eat what I want, If I can’t eat what my heart desires and it’s not socially acceptable to drink Gin in the morning then what’s the point of eating before elevenses?

The internet’s most bland bloggers also suggest other GREAT reasons to AM date are that it’s cheap. To which I reply, fuck off, I’m not dating anyone who is tight. You don’t have to be loaded but you have to show willing to impress me, I’d rather think you’d spent all month saving up to take me to Pizza Express then to think you’d taken me for breakfast because that way you have extra dollar to spend down the pub on Friday night with your mate who is probably called Darren. The last plausible reason I can find that said bloggers are pushing is that the rest of the day is free, Well if you have a job, then probably no, You’ll most likely have to shoot off in a rush to catch a tube and work for the rest of the day. In which case, if the breakfast went well, you’ll not be able to get your shit together or STFU about it to your agitated work colleagues, but more likely than that, the date will of been shit, because it’s BREAKFAST, the least sexy of all the meals. In which case you’ll want to skive off and brood in the pub whist you look for a man to take you out in the evening, for a real date with Gin and if successful, a late night pash over a shared kebab like lady and the tramp. Romance.

Can we all agree that breakfast dates are not chic? In fact I find them extremely unnerving, What sort of man wants to shoot the shit over coffee then strut off to work without even trying it on? At least invite me back to yours for well, some more hypothetical coffee so that I can politely decline. But NO, you can’t because of work. I cannot see the appeal in being squeezed into someone’s schedule because their evenings are too precious a time to spend on you. if you can’t make the time to take me out and get me wasted and have a dance off then a conflict of interests is going to appear swiftly.

So basically, AM dating is not acceptable. Morning meet cutes are lame, so please everyone stop trying to make them a thing.

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Celebrating Singledom

Being single is often associated with negativity. Most single people appear to be a bit pissed at their situation in their pursuit for love. People who are in relationships appear to look at their single friends with undertones of sympathy. This classic portrayal is actually far from the truth, There are plenty of single people out their living their life like it’s golden (Jill Scott reference. Nice work Lex). There are also plenty of people in relationships who long for a taste of singledom. I don’t know if it’s my age or the crossroads I’m at in my life, but for the moment, I don’t look at people in relationships and think ‘I want that’. I’m too busy drinking Gin and listening to Waka Flocka Flame in my bedroom whilst planning trips around the world.

What I’m trying to get at is that being single is a precious Jewel. People who don’t enjoy it for what it is are really missing a trick. I mean, you never know when you’re about to get sucked into the vortex that is a relationship. I’m not slating relationships, they’re great, but they aren’t the be all and end all to happiness.

Dear single, miserable people, here’s a couple of little things to embrace while you’re still single, or in a relationship and considering joining the dark side.

Space – Relationships are lovely, especially when you’re in the honeymoon phase and you’re not interested in anything except being glued to that person at all times. However, when that starts to wear off and you think to yourself ‘you know what, tonight I’d like to just stay in, paint my nails and order 21 hot wings from Dominos to myself ‘. Us singles can enjoy that space whenever we like. Without having to make up an excuse for why you just want to be on your own for once.

Not sharing food – No, I want to eat the whole bag of Doritos to myself, at my own pace, get your own. This could just be me, but I fucking hate sharing food, especially when I’m watching a film. Tapas on a first date? Here’s a shovel, go dig your grave.

Freedom – It’s quite refreshing to think that I don’t know what I’m doing next Saturday night, I might wake up with a kebab on the pillow next to me, I might not wake up in my own bed at all. I might take off and visit a friend for the weekend. The point is that we don’t have to inform anyone that we’re doing these things nor have to justify our questionable life choices to anyone. The world’s our oyster.

Dating – Just to clarify, ‘Date night’ with your significant other is completely different to dating when you’re single. For me, dating is something to do to pass time so I have stories to tell my friends. It’s also great for boosting your confidence, and stops you from cowering in your single cave watching Netflix for hours and crying about why you’ve not met anyone. Some dates are good, some dates are bad, some are hilarious. All of them are character building.

Independence – This doesn’t apply to me, because I still live with my parents, don’t earn enough to pay them rent and could not support myself if the apron strings were cut. But there are loads of single people, killing it with their careers and loving the bachelor/bachelorette lifestyle that has become possible for them. Respect.

Bed Space –  My Dad recently went on a trip to Dubai and I have never seen Goose get so excited about how she was going to ‘lay like a starfish’ in bed. I’ve never really thought about it like that but I’m going to make a conscious effort to lap that shit up and lie diagonally in bed as much as is possible now.

Time – Having more time to spend with friends and family. When you’re in a relationship, you look back at times where you visited your Parents on your own, days you spent feeding the ducks with your Niece and the occasional magazine and wine party that extends into a raucous sleepover with your Sister. This time is precious, when you’re in a relationship, you have less time to do these things on your own. So remember to appreciate those precious moments.

Flirting – Sure, you can flirt when you’re in a relationship. But you can FLIRT when you’re single, this extends beyond letting a man buy you a drink in a bar before you flash him your wedding ring, go outside to call your husband and cry about your infidelities. Those pangs of guilt don’t happen when you’re single. You are free to flirt, text and talk to whoever you want after you’ve left said bar.

Being single isn’t always great, but don’t write it off before you’ve given it a go. These times are for investing in yourself and building your character until something more worthy than a few dinner dates and one night stands crops up. If you’re single and have read this, I hope I’ve inspired you to realise a little bit of your potential and given you some incentive to celebrate singledom.

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Deal Breakers Pt.2

In my previous ‘Deal breakers’ post, I discussed a list of my big no-nos in terms of attraction. I tried not to be too harsh to men in the post but I can see how it could come across as men bashing. So I thought I’d write a little post in an attempt to prove that I’m not an angry feminist, or a feminist at all while we’re on the subject. In this post I’m going to attempt to write a list of things that initially attract me to men, or that I find important when dating. It was harder than I expected to write positives without just stating more negatives. I think this screams volumes as to just how much of a ‘Pessimistic Paula’ I really am. A lot of this is stating the obvious, but when I got to thinking about it, I like some really weird shit. Anyway, here goes…

1. Beards. I openly talk about my hatred for beards, I think they’re gross, dirty and I think it’s hard to see what a man looks like underneath them. Are they fat? Do they have a really pointy chin? Who knows? Nobody knows. Having said that, I must subconsciously like them because nearly every single man I have ended up with has had a beard and I still consider 50% of them reasonably attractive. So go figure.

2. Bums. I’ll admit that I am a gigantic pervert for a good bum. In the summer when men have their posteriors out on full view in all their glory, I eye them like a hawk. When I spot one I like, usually in my head I’ll say something pervy and/or pimpy such as ‘dat ass’ and nod my head at them in congratulations. It’s OK because they never see me do it as they’re not facing me.

3. Muscles. I don’t mean big scary hulk muscles, but a well toned man is very much preferred to a fat or skinny guy. I cannot think of a way to describe the perfect physice, but if you Google Jake Gyllenhaal circa Love & Other Drugs, Then that’s it. Perfection. Dayyyyyyyam

4. Compliments. Un-staged compliments are the best. Ladies, if you have a man who notices when you’ve had your hair done, then hold on to him tight, because in most scenarios you have to fully shave your head and perhaps etch a Nike swoosh into the back of your head and perhaps take all your clothes off before a lot of them will notice any change has occurred.

5. Manners. Opening doors, pulling out chairs yada, yada, that shit is nice. Also, carry our shit. We love it when you carry our shit for us. It probably goes back to 90’s high school films where the guy always carries a girls books to class for her. I don’t know why, but it’s good, so do that.

6. Cleanliness. mmmmmmmm clean.

7. Swimmers. I know this is really weird. But for some reason I’m really attracted to men who are good at swimming. It’s always been a thing and I think it stems from my lifelong disappointment in Mark Foster being gay. Or possibly from watching too much Baywatch as a child.

8. Interesting. I like to be shown new things, this could be music, places, Gin based beverages that I haven’t actually tried yet (as if). Think Aladdin when he took Princess Jasmine on the best date of all time, when he sung her ‘a whole new world’ and took her around the pyramids on a MAGIC CARPET. That’s the sort of vibe I like. So, err, good luck with that guys. No pressure.

9. Filth. I have a crude, disgusting, sick and politically incorrect sense of humour. A potential partner must also posses these qualities. In fact, I’d say it is the most important one on the list. I could never be with someone who is non-stop offended by me, also, down the line, how would I ever introduce them to my wildly inappropriate family. They would get eaten alive.

10. Dope Walk. A willingness to dance and embarrass themselves is high up there. Hip-hop, trap and garage are all genres that dancing to should be made compulsory. I’ll be disappointed if I don’t meet someone who will do ‘the worm’ on the dance floor at a function like a wedding or funeral party. In fact, I’m going to use this as my definitive measure of how I will know when I’ve met ‘the one’.

11. A love for 90’s & 00’s R&B. It’s not gay. If you’re not into it then how the hell are you going to cope with me singing Jagged Edge most mornings?

12. Using my name. One of the things Beyonce, Kelly, Michelle  and I can all agree on is the line ‘say my name, say my name’. It’s another one of my weird attractions, but when a man addresses me by actually using my name then that’s good. Perhaps that’s just because it clarify’s on a first date that he hasn’t instantly forgotten my name, like I most probably have his.

 13. Foreigners. This, like the beard thing must be a sub-concious thing. I don’t actively seek out men that don’t live in the UK or anywhere near London, but it always seems to happen. This most likely stems from commitment issues and seeking out unobtainable men. Good one Lex.

So if anyone knows any men with all of the above qualities, hook a sister up. Or alternatively if anyone can help me track down Jake Gyllenhaal then that would be splendid. I mean, LOOK at him.

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Deal Breakers

When it comes to men, there are only two thought processes that flow through my mind, ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. The more yesses a man scores, the better chance the guy has of me being interested, but a single no and I will never be attracted to you, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t.

Things that I can not tolerate;

Unkempt beards & man buns.

Big bums, if a guy has a voluptuous curve of the posterior kind then I’m sorry, I’m just not into it, possibly because I associate them with women and unfortunately I’m not a lesbian.

When a man has too much stuff in his pockets, thus making his arse look gigantic. Seriously, if you need to take that much stuff out with you then get a man bag at least or some less ill fitting trousers. There’s something about being able to see a man’s keys, wallet, life story and unborn children through his jeans that makes me want to vomit.

Blatant drug habits, like, I don’t mind if they like the occasional good time, I have my fair share of self destructive habits, but at some point it just gets tragic, you’re a grown man for goodness sake, you gotta watch out for your nostrils.

Long fingernails, no graphic explanation needed.

Men who copy Joey Essex’s style. I love Joey Essex, I think he’s adorable, the same way as I would find a little brother or a puppy adorable. Do I want to sleep with him? No.

The over use of the words and phrases ‘banter’, ‘bants’ ‘top bants’, ‘bantersarus rex’, ‘archbishop of Banterbury’ and so on and so forth. Something about it makes my skin crawl and I really struggle to find anyone who uses these terms attractive. You could be Jake Gyllenhaal, but if you call me ‘Bantony Hopkins’, I might just punch you square in the face.

Chaps that think it’s acceptable to wear Lynx ‘Africa’ or ‘Joop!’. Nope, nah, never.

Men that take too many selfies. Stop it you fools. To add to this, men that take any amount of Gym mirror selfies. Give up on life. If you look after yourself, I appreciate the work you’ve put in, it’s very well received, believe me. If you document it on your instagram account, I will think you’re a twat. I don’t care about how much you lift and I certainly don’t want to be around to experience your protein shake farts. Also, if men are too muscular, they start looking like Stretch Armstrong dolls and not human beings.

Dick Pics/topless photos. Bitch please, I will screenshot, I will show everyone I know, including my parents and grandmother, I will laugh and not once will my loins fill with desire.

‘Peacocking’ about money and belongings. I don’t care about your car, samurai sword, football sticker collection, house on the hills, your stint in med’ school, if your daddy is a lawyer or where you took your pony on your gap year. We all want nice things, we all want more money then we have. We also all need to be a bit more humble.  If during conversation you start to sound like as much of a narcissistic prick as Kanye West, not only will my mind wander, but so will my legs along with the rest of my body, out the door and back home to my dog and netflix. Cyaaa.

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Break-Ups

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People often say that when breaking up, the best and most noble way to do it is face-to-face. Any other way is deemed as the cowards way out. I’ve never personally been a fan of the face-to-face scenario. Meeting on mutual turf is age old advice that supposedly makes it fairer and easier? Which brings me to my first example of when to avoid face-to-face break ups.

1. The coffee shop axe.

If your significant other ever unexpectedly invites you to meet them on mutual territory, or more specifically a branch of Café Nero for a ‘chat’ then don’t go, just pack up your things and GTFO because it means your getting dumped, and no one wants to see your ugly cry face while they’re trying to enjoy their red velvet cake and caramelatte.  I have no idea why break-ups always happen in Café Nero but that place is tainted, I’ve seen several unfold and executed one of my own break-ups in one. I will never be so cruel as to do it again, but you have to cut me some slack because I was still of an age where I genuinely didn’t think boys were capable of tears. It was horrible, I should have just dropped him a text so he could cry in his bedroom, not in front of the bitch who just dumped him in public for everyone to speculate.

2. The Psychopath Trap.

When you no longer want to be in a relationship with someone, plucking up the courage to give them the axe can be one that makes you fraught, especially if they exert psychopathic and controlling tendencies. I once had to watch someone I care about get stuck in a loop of abuse with an absolute scum-bag of a human being. It’s frustrating to watch and we’ve all seen someone we love go through the cycle of attempting to break up with this person only to immediately get back together with them after putting up with a barrage of abuse followed by apologies, followed by begging all in one sitting. It’s emotionally draining and feeling like you have to stay with someone simply because they have ground you down and made you fearful of leaving them is not a valid reason to be with them. Ultimately it is damaging to meet the abuser in an attempt to try and break up, they simply won’t allow you to give up on them. The only way is to cut them out from your life as quickly and completely as possible. change your contact details and slap a restraining order on their ass if need be. Because at the end of the day, you can’t reconcile with a nutter.

3. ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ – The classic headfuck

It’s no good meeting up with someone, to feed them a shit stack of clichéd quotes you ‘googled’ beforehand or saw in a film. The general outcome of these sad let-downs is public crying. The ‘dumper’ will typically express feelings of confusion and misdirection to the ‘dumpee’ which will in turn leave them with the official title of ‘single’ yet with a slight pinch of hope that they might one day get back together thrown in. Phrases will be thrown around such as ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, ‘I just don’t know what I want right now’, ‘I was never looking for a relationship’, ‘you’re really great, maybe one day when I’ve figured myself out we could work’. All of which are complete fob off’s that literally translate to ‘WE ARE NOT COMPATIBLE. SOZ FOR WASTING YOUR TIME, YOU’RE STARTING TO GET ON MY NERVES, I CAN’T STOMACH THE THOUGHT OF HAVING ANY TYPE OF SEX WITH YOU EVER AGAIN’. These meets will usually end in the exes trying to act like they will remain great friends (nope), crying, talking about their feelings, having a ‘last kiss’ and making empty promises to give it another go one day.

We’ve all used these lines and quite frankly they’re getting old and the one who holds onto hope will always wind up getting hurt. If anyone tries to use these lines or similar ones on you, take it gracefully and do not listen to a word they say because at the end of the day, if Mr/Mrs perfect were to walk through that door at that moment, the ‘dumper’ would instantly forget about all their ‘issues’ and ‘confusions’ and it’s likely that you’ll see them married with kids within a year leaving you feeling all like ‘eh? I thought they weren’t looking for anything serious?’

4. Complacency

Similar scenario as those above in that mustering up the courage to tell someone that you’re not really diggin’ them any more can fill you to your core with anxiety, and the whole ordeal of sitting them down and telling them to their face can seem worse then staying in the relationship, getting married, having a few kids and retiring to the south of France, albeit a entirely loveless and miserable existence, it seems pleasant enough to onlookers. But by doing that you’re not doing anyone any favours, you’re holding the person you don’t love back from finding someone who might genuinely make them happy and that’s not nice. In this situation the face-to face confrontation can be a slippery slope, it’s so easy to settle for less and play out a relativity OK, average, and nice relationship when you’re trying tell someone who hasn’t done anything wrong that you don’t love them.

Because breaking-up is tough, here’s a list of alternative break up avenues that I can neither recommend nor not recommend to help you to GTFO of a sticky relationship;

  • For the long distance love loss – why not try sending a message in a bottle? Or carrier pigeon if you’re feeling really chic.
  • To end an office fling – make it an exciting experience for the whole office and send a fax.
  • For the arty prick– spell it out by rehearsing a succinct interpretive dance, followed by refreshments and a Q&A.
  • To end a playground marriage – Get your friend to dump them for you.
  • For the drunk 3am break up – a voicemail shall suffice, singing of Taylor Swift is optional yet encouraged.
  • For the midnight getaway – write them a note and pop it in their sock drawer/ leave various clues in cryptic form around their apartment. It will be like a really, really fun scavenger hunt for them, trust me.
  • To break up with someone who is too incredibly nice – Simply act like a vile, psychotic moron until they get so sick of your shit that they do the leg work and chuck you, so you don’t have to sweat it.
  • For the BBB (Back burner bro) – stop all communication with them whatsoever until they eventually get the hint.
  • If you’ve cheated on your other half  but don’t have the balls to tell them– Continuously play and sing ‘Creep’ by TLC at all given opportunities spent around them, even in their sleep so that they subconsciously learn of your infidelities, whilst also making you feel like your cheating was justified. Because if Lisa Left Eye sings about creepin’, then it’s OK, right?
  • When you’ve been cheated on – then and only then would I personally break up face to face, as watching them squirm and possibly cry in public is acceptable in this situation, because of it’s beneficial cathartic properties.
  • Other classic and timeless methods of breaking-up compatible with all types of relationship include, the facebook relationship status, facebook messenger, text and email.
  • For the valentine’s day let down – Anti-love hearts

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On a serious note, breaking up is usually a horrific experience for both parties involved. Each break-up is subject to the type of relationship it stems from. Sometimes it’s not necessary to meet up and chat about breaking up, it’s just humiliating and upsetting, in other situations it is completely necessary. It all depends on the sitch’. However, one thing stands true for all, the shorter the break-up period is, the sweeter it is to move on.