Hilarious Holidays: Part 2

Because my life is clearly too fun to condense all my favourite trips into one blog post, here is part deux of my holiday instalments.

Barcelona – The time me and an old house mate hopped onto a plane to Barcelona for a long weekend, checked into our hostel and didn’t return for about 72 hours. The events that followed are a bit of a blur but we met some awesome people, watched the sun rise from a strangers balcony, and slept in the park, like homeless people. All I know is that there was a lot of male nudity and dancing along to ‘Freakin’ It – Will Smith’. We also adopted a French Dude called Pierre, we lost him, I hope he got home safe. A snippet of evidence can be found below.

Corfu – The last family holiday me and my sister were ever invited on. The holiday that started my downhill spiral on life. Age 14, blind drunk, kissing a dude that looked like Martin Fowler… in front of my family. I swear to god my sister made me do it. Passing out eating cheetos whilst my sister incorrectly sung along to Paolo Nutini ‘lay down inside me’ (she genuinely thought they were the lyrics, she wasn’t trying to be funny).  Waking up with a gob full of disintegrated cheesy puffs, surfacing to face my family mid-afternoon and having my Dad sing the Eastenders theme tune at me for the entirety of the holiday.

The night after, drunken Lexy and her sister strolled into town to the nearest discotheque  where I decided to fall in love with the Albanian boy who worked at our hotel. After sinking a large amount of tequila for a child I proceeded to kiss him a lot, this time only in front of my sister. He proceeded to text me weekly for the next two years until I finally lost my pink Motorola Razor along with his number. Such a tragedy, with Romeo & Juliet undertones. Lexy & Nikos 4EVA. No?

Kos – There was the time me and some girlfriends went away to Kos for the week, we fully intended to get as much sun and alcohol down us as possible but I don’t think we could have anticipated the sheer amount of carnage that ensued. After a truck load of Gyros and questionable holiday romances me and a friend thought it would be funny to get henna ‘tramp stamps’ that read ‘Wolverine’ and ‘Old Spice’. Mine didn’t wash off for at least a year, while my friends washed off immediately in the pool. I was branded. Lesson learnt: Don’t fuck about with henna. Try living a normal life with ‘Wolverine’ etched onto your lower back. You’d be surprised how often it can crop up in conversation. Highlights included a underarm wax, a broken sun lounger and a chap that wrote and performed a rap for me by the poolside. I still rate that.

Jamaica – My cousin is a Virgin Air Hostess, she also happens to be my best friend which comes in handy when you feel like sneaking off to Jamaica to play with dolphins, drink red stripe, eat Jerk Chicken and listen to Eternal for A WEEKEND. Anyway, I really offended a bunch of women I was sat next to on the plane on the way there when they asked me to guess their ages, to which I guessed wayyyy to high.  This was before we took off so all I could do was drink an excessive amount of free Gin, watch Frozen (which was class by the way) and then pretend to fall asleep for the remaining 7.5 hours I had left of the flight

Croatia – The best five days of festival fun of my life to date. I spent most of the trip in a confused state, wearing a poncho with that feeling that you really picked the wrong day to go to Thorpe Park. We stayed in a little old Croatian lady’s B&B and she was so sweet that I almost felt bad for the things we put her through and the amount of her rules we broke.

The festival itself was pretty small, so small that by the time we left to go home we were in several high school esque cliques. There were the German Dentists, The Drug Dealers, The guys who worked the Photo Hut, The people who hung around the Henna Tattoo man (you think I would have learnt my lesson, but no.) And the people who were at the 80’s  pop and 00’s R&B and Hip Hop tent every night religiously until 6am. It was heaven on earth. My spirit’s reflection. Ha

Highlights Include:

  • Drinking amazing grapefruit flavour beer all week, feeling absolutely fine then on the last day realising it was only 2.5%.
  • Meeting a man who was ‘ketted’ off his face and carrying a kitten around in a sling, he was certain he was going to take it home on the plane and wanted to call it Tabitha. Also, the other dude who took too much ketamine and walked around barefoot, wearing a cape and holding a broom for the week solid, I never saw him with anyone except the broom.
  • SEEING CHIC & NILE ROGERS and feeling disco AF.
  • Maggie, the semi-retired judge who appeared to be at the festival alone, she was also wearing wristbands for Hideout, Dimensions and Outlook, sooo, hats off to her really. Every time we saw her she had taken so much MDMA that she looked like she was about to jump out of her own face. Oh Maggie.
  • Wearing a disposable poncho with a bikini underneath for a week solid and looking like some sort of exotic Klu Klux Klan member.
  • Making friends with the only group of black people and openly naming then ‘So solid crew’ because racism (they loved us, it was OK).

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I need to book a mini break immediately and this sunshine is not helping the situation. But on the flip side I should probably try and organise some sort of savings to enable me to move out of my parents house before I hit the menopause. Life.

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Shame Sunday


Hangovers are diverse and, like snowflakes, each one is unique. Only one thing is for certain, They occur every Sunday and in my experience fit into 6 categories.

1. Food Poisoning

When you wake up with cold sweats and a pounding headache, followed by intervals of projectile vomiting for the remainder of the day. You will live in the bathroom and become acquainted with the toilet bowl and the feeling of the cool tiled floor on your face. Hell, you might even drag your duvet in there with you. If you manage to stand up, you’ll take a long hard look at yourself and proclaim to never drink again (really though?). Friends will text, you won’t respond, because you can’t face the glare of the screen on your iPhone. To let your friends know you’re alive, you’ll send a snapchat, complete with remnants of last nights make up, matted greasy hair and head in hand. This simple gesture is enough to let your friends know you got home OK, you’re alive and that you literally can’t even…

2. Food Binging

You are crazed with the need to engulf all edible materials in sight. You will fantasize about McDonalds and pray for the moment that you’re sober enough to drive to the nearest drive-thru to catch yourself a big mac meal and chicken nuggets, even though you probably ate a subway less than 5 hours previous. An example of the last time I felt like this was last Sunday, me and my friends sat in bed frantically googling Gregg’s opening times. It was a matter of urgency, I needed a sausage, cheese and bean melt pronto. How else was I going to make it back home from Fulham without taking a chunk out of a fellow train passenger’s arm.

3. Extreme Thirst

Pretty much the same scenario as food binging but in it’s liquid form. You need ALL of the water. You have an unquenchable thirst, you panic, you want a pint of orange juice, or water, or milk? you just don’t know but nothing is helping. Everything seems like a good idea at first but after a few sips you just feel sick. I remember when I got hit by a thirst frenzy, It was my first year in uni, I walked through all the kitchens in my halls, stealing all the non alcoholic beverages out of peoples fridges that I could get my hands on. I sat on the floor in my room, taking sips out of various mugs, glasses, cartons and tins, among them, milk, tea, Capri suns, Ribena, coke and water. I looked like the freaky little girl from Signs. If anyone had of walked in, they would have referred me to an institution for what seemed like a manic episode.

4. Blackout

You wake up in a blind panic. Where are you? What happened last night? If you have no memory of what happened, then surely you were so drunk that you had no control over your crazy female demons. Likely scenarios from your night out;

  • You contacted your ex.
  • Messaged your hookup piece expressing feelings, that in the cold light of day, you don’t actually mean
  • Argued with a taxi driver
  • Offended a friend
  • Had a deep and meaningful with a toilet attendant
  • Embarrassed yourself on social media
  • Got off with someone grotesque
  • Rinsed Snapchat, sent clips of you singing ‘livin’ on a prayer’ to a guy you met at a festival in 2008.
  • Went home with a stranger/ someone you’re really trying to get rid of and made empty promises about getting brunch

All resulting in HOT SHAME SWEATS.

5. Unjustified Shame

You remember everything you did , you didn’t do anything bad, you had lots of fun. But the next day you can’t help but feel like you’ve done something wrong, you’re hit with a wave of panic, you feel like all your friends hate you and you can’t pin point why. This leads to an extremely emotional and fragile state.  All you can do is wait for the feeling to pass by watching Netflix in bed whilst cuddling your dog and crying into it’s fur. This is the worst of all the hangovers as the feelings of anxiety can last for about a week. That’s a lot of Netflix and rolling around in bed in despair. This is the hangover I’m currently experiencing. Send help!

6. Vacancy

You feel fine, you’re not sick, upset, ashamed etc. But for some reason you can’t get your shit together. Basic conversation is a struggle. The best example of this that I can give is when I was once meeting an ex’s family for the first time, I’d got blind drunk the night before. I couldn’t string a sentence together, like, I forgot ALL of the words and I couldn’t snap out of it. I was present in body, but not in mind. This resulted in me coming across as either incredibly rude or incredibly dim. Either way I don’t think his family liked me all that much. Oops.

Remember to treat your hangovers with the Netflix they deserve, or they will destroy you both physically, physiologically and emotionally.

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