Lately I’ve been invited on a couple of dates… in the morning, breakfast dates. By breakfast date I am not making reference to a ‘bangover’ bagel purchased after a cheeky adult sleepover. The breakfast date refers to people asking to meet for breakfast in hipster joints all over London, on weekdays, before work. The concept does not rock my boat and I am completely baffled as to why this craze has been taking the dating scene by storm.
Granted, I look fresh AF in the morning, first thing when my brows are sculpted to perfection and my mascara hasn’t sweated of making me resemble a panda bear. For these reasons mornings are perfect, for meetings and conference calls, so where do dates slot into the mix? Instantly a brekkie date is going to feel corporate, somewhat like a job interview. I don’t want to be interviewed for the position of a suitor for some random I’m meeting. What happens if you make it through the first round of interviews, do you make it through to the boardroom? This is Tinder not fucking Linked In.
The second huge fail of breakfast dates is the blatant lack of Gin. How am I supposed to throw causal flirty chat about without my trusty slimline prop in hand? Unthinkable. Various bloggerss that are trying to push forward breakfast meets suggest that a lack of alcohol is a positive regarding dating, as it allows you to show the ‘real’ you, without having anything to hide behind yada yada yawn… boring. In my opinion a little dutch courage is essential to get you through a date, and to mask your crippling shyness. Personally, I am boring and incomplete without a Gin or a ‘Savvy B’ in my belly, plus it showcases my hobbies and interests. I don’t have many other ones so it’s kind of important that whoever I’m dating enjoys getting on the sauce.
Thirdly, what am I supposed to eat? If I am going out out for breakfast then I would want a breakfast burrito, at the very least I’d settle for a bacon sandwich, but these aren’t very lady like options and I don’t want to spend the rest of the day at work in a food coma, so that leaves you with cereal or croissants? Every woman has felt the pain of trying to eat a croissant without covering their entire face and lipstick in a flaky mess. Also, there isn’t any room for any amorous action, you cant have a cheeky kiss because of foul coffee breath and also because of the formal breakfast interview you’ve just sat through. Not so sexy. So basically, I can’t eat what I want, If I can’t eat what my heart desires and it’s not socially acceptable to drink Gin in the morning then what’s the point of eating before elevenses?
The internet’s most bland bloggers also suggest other GREAT reasons to AM date are that it’s cheap. To which I reply, fuck off, I’m not dating anyone who is tight. You don’t have to be loaded but you have to show willing to impress me, I’d rather think you’d spent all month saving up to take me to Pizza Express then to think you’d taken me for breakfast because that way you have extra dollar to spend down the pub on Friday night with your mate who is probably called Darren. The last plausible reason I can find that said bloggers are pushing is that the rest of the day is free, Well if you have a job, then probably no, You’ll most likely have to shoot off in a rush to catch a tube and work for the rest of the day. In which case, if the breakfast went well, you’ll not be able to get your shit together or STFU about it to your agitated work colleagues, but more likely than that, the date will of been shit, because it’s BREAKFAST, the least sexy of all the meals. In which case you’ll want to skive off and brood in the pub whist you look for a man to take you out in the evening, for a real date with Gin and if successful, a late night pash over a shared kebab like lady and the tramp. Romance.
Can we all agree that breakfast dates are not chic? In fact I find them extremely unnerving, What sort of man wants to shoot the shit over coffee then strut off to work without even trying it on? At least invite me back to yours for well, some more hypothetical coffee so that I can politely decline. But NO, you can’t because of work. I cannot see the appeal in being squeezed into someone’s schedule because their evenings are too precious a time to spend on you. if you can’t make the time to take me out and get me wasted and have a dance off then a conflict of interests is going to appear swiftly.
So basically, AM dating is not acceptable. Morning meet cutes are lame, so please everyone stop trying to make them a thing.