1. Food Poisoning
When you wake up with cold sweats and a pounding headache, followed by intervals of projectile vomiting for the remainder of the day. You will live in the bathroom and become acquainted with the toilet bowl and the feeling of the cool tiled floor on your face. Hell, you might even drag your duvet in there with you. If you manage to stand up, you’ll take a long hard look at yourself and proclaim to never drink again (really though?). Friends will text, you won’t respond, because you can’t face the glare of the screen on your iPhone. To let your friends know you’re alive, you’ll send a snapchat, complete with remnants of last nights make up, matted greasy hair and head in hand. This simple gesture is enough to let your friends know you got home OK, you’re alive and that you literally can’t even…
2. Food Binging
You are crazed with the need to engulf all edible materials in sight. You will fantasize about McDonalds and pray for the moment that you’re sober enough to drive to the nearest drive-thru to catch yourself a big mac meal and chicken nuggets, even though you probably ate a subway less than 5 hours previous. An example of the last time I felt like this was last Sunday, me and my friends sat in bed frantically googling Gregg’s opening times. It was a matter of urgency, I needed a sausage, cheese and bean melt pronto. How else was I going to make it back home from Fulham without taking a chunk out of a fellow train passenger’s arm.
3. Extreme Thirst
Pretty much the same scenario as food binging but in it’s liquid form. You need ALL of the water. You have an unquenchable thirst, you panic, you want a pint of orange juice, or water, or milk? you just don’t know but nothing is helping. Everything seems like a good idea at first but after a few sips you just feel sick. I remember when I got hit by a thirst frenzy, It was my first year in uni, I walked through all the kitchens in my halls, stealing all the non alcoholic beverages out of peoples fridges that I could get my hands on. I sat on the floor in my room, taking sips out of various mugs, glasses, cartons and tins, among them, milk, tea, Capri suns, Ribena, coke and water. I looked like the freaky little girl from Signs. If anyone had of walked in, they would have referred me to an institution for what seemed like a manic episode.
You wake up in a blind panic. Where are you? What happened last night? If you have no memory of what happened, then surely you were so drunk that you had no control over your crazy female demons. Likely scenarios from your night out;
- You contacted your ex.
- Messaged your hookup piece expressing feelings, that in the cold light of day, you don’t actually mean
- Argued with a taxi driver
- Offended a friend
- Had a deep and meaningful with a toilet attendant
- Embarrassed yourself on social media
- Got off with someone grotesque
- Rinsed Snapchat, sent clips of you singing ‘livin’ on a prayer’ to a guy you met at a festival in 2008.
- Went home with a stranger/ someone you’re really trying to get rid of and made empty promises about getting brunch
All resulting in HOT SHAME SWEATS.
5. Unjustified Shame
You remember everything you did , you didn’t do anything bad, you had lots of fun. But the next day you can’t help but feel like you’ve done something wrong, you’re hit with a wave of panic, you feel like all your friends hate you and you can’t pin point why. This leads to an extremely emotional and fragile state. All you can do is wait for the feeling to pass by watching Netflix in bed whilst cuddling your dog and crying into it’s fur. This is the worst of all the hangovers as the feelings of anxiety can last for about a week. That’s a lot of Netflix and rolling around in bed in despair. This is the hangover I’m currently experiencing. Send help!
You feel fine, you’re not sick, upset, ashamed etc. But for some reason you can’t get your shit together. Basic conversation is a struggle. The best example of this that I can give is when I was once meeting an ex’s family for the first time, I’d got blind drunk the night before. I couldn’t string a sentence together, like, I forgot ALL of the words and I couldn’t snap out of it. I was present in body, but not in mind. This resulted in me coming across as either incredibly rude or incredibly dim. Either way I don’t think his family liked me all that much. Oops.
Remember to treat your hangovers with the Netflix they deserve, or they will destroy you both physically, physiologically and emotionally.