Deal Breakers

When it comes to men, there are only two thought processes that flow through my mind, ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. The more yesses a man scores, the better chance the guy has of me being interested, but a single no and I will never be attracted to you, no matter how hard I try, I just can’t.

Things that I can not tolerate;

Unkempt beards & man buns.

Big bums, if a guy has a voluptuous curve of the posterior kind then I’m sorry, I’m just not into it, possibly because I associate them with women and unfortunately I’m not a lesbian.

When a man has too much stuff in his pockets, thus making his arse look gigantic. Seriously, if you need to take that much stuff out with you then get a man bag at least or some less ill fitting trousers. There’s something about being able to see a man’s keys, wallet, life story and unborn children through his jeans that makes me want to vomit.

Blatant drug habits, like, I don’t mind if they like the occasional good time, I have my fair share of self destructive habits, but at some point it just gets tragic, you’re a grown man for goodness sake, you gotta watch out for your nostrils.

Long fingernails, no graphic explanation needed.

Men who copy Joey Essex’s style. I love Joey Essex, I think he’s adorable, the same way as I would find a little brother or a puppy adorable. Do I want to sleep with him? No.

The over use of the words and phrases ‘banter’, ‘bants’ ‘top bants’, ‘bantersarus rex’, ‘archbishop of Banterbury’ and so on and so forth. Something about it makes my skin crawl and I really struggle to find anyone who uses these terms attractive. You could be Jake Gyllenhaal, but if you call me ‘Bantony Hopkins’, I might just punch you square in the face.

Chaps that think it’s acceptable to wear Lynx ‘Africa’ or ‘Joop!’. Nope, nah, never.

Men that take too many selfies. Stop it you fools. To add to this, men that take any amount of Gym mirror selfies. Give up on life. If you look after yourself, I appreciate the work you’ve put in, it’s very well received, believe me. If you document it on your instagram account, I will think you’re a twat. I don’t care about how much you lift and I certainly don’t want to be around to experience your protein shake farts. Also, if men are too muscular, they start looking like Stretch Armstrong dolls and not human beings.

Dick Pics/topless photos. Bitch please, I will screenshot, I will show everyone I know, including my parents and grandmother, I will laugh and not once will my loins fill with desire.

‘Peacocking’ about money and belongings. I don’t care about your car, samurai sword, football sticker collection, house on the hills, your stint in med’ school, if your daddy is a lawyer or where you took your pony on your gap year. We all want nice things, we all want more money then we have. We also all need to be a bit more humble.  If during conversation you start to sound like as much of a narcissistic prick as Kanye West, not only will my mind wander, but so will my legs along with the rest of my body, out the door and back home to my dog and netflix. Cyaaa.

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