People often say that when breaking up, the best and most noble way to do it is face-to-face. Any other way is deemed as the cowards way out. I’ve never personally been a fan of the face-to-face scenario. Meeting on mutual turf is age old advice that supposedly makes it fairer and easier? Which brings me to my first example of when to avoid face-to-face break ups.

1. The coffee shop axe.

If your significant other ever unexpectedly invites you to meet them on mutual territory, or more specifically a branch of Café Nero for a ‘chat’ then don’t go, just pack up your things and GTFO because it means your getting dumped, and no one wants to see your ugly cry face while they’re trying to enjoy their red velvet cake and caramelatte.  I have no idea why break-ups always happen in Café Nero but that place is tainted, I’ve seen several unfold and executed one of my own break-ups in one. I will never be so cruel as to do it again, but you have to cut me some slack because I was still of an age where I genuinely didn’t think boys were capable of tears. It was horrible, I should have just dropped him a text so he could cry in his bedroom, not in front of the bitch who just dumped him in public for everyone to speculate.

2. The Psychopath Trap.

When you no longer want to be in a relationship with someone, plucking up the courage to give them the axe can be one that makes you fraught, especially if they exert psychopathic and controlling tendencies. I once had to watch someone I care about get stuck in a loop of abuse with an absolute scum-bag of a human being. It’s frustrating to watch and we’ve all seen someone we love go through the cycle of attempting to break up with this person only to immediately get back together with them after putting up with a barrage of abuse followed by apologies, followed by begging all in one sitting. It’s emotionally draining and feeling like you have to stay with someone simply because they have ground you down and made you fearful of leaving them is not a valid reason to be with them. Ultimately it is damaging to meet the abuser in an attempt to try and break up, they simply won’t allow you to give up on them. The only way is to cut them out from your life as quickly and completely as possible. change your contact details and slap a restraining order on their ass if need be. Because at the end of the day, you can’t reconcile with a nutter.

3. ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ – The classic headfuck

It’s no good meeting up with someone, to feed them a shit stack of clichéd quotes you ‘googled’ beforehand or saw in a film. The general outcome of these sad let-downs is public crying. The ‘dumper’ will typically express feelings of confusion and misdirection to the ‘dumpee’ which will in turn leave them with the official title of ‘single’ yet with a slight pinch of hope that they might one day get back together thrown in. Phrases will be thrown around such as ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, ‘I just don’t know what I want right now’, ‘I was never looking for a relationship’, ‘you’re really great, maybe one day when I’ve figured myself out we could work’. All of which are complete fob off’s that literally translate to ‘WE ARE NOT COMPATIBLE. SOZ FOR WASTING YOUR TIME, YOU’RE STARTING TO GET ON MY NERVES, I CAN’T STOMACH THE THOUGHT OF HAVING ANY TYPE OF SEX WITH YOU EVER AGAIN’. These meets will usually end in the exes trying to act like they will remain great friends (nope), crying, talking about their feelings, having a ‘last kiss’ and making empty promises to give it another go one day.

We’ve all used these lines and quite frankly they’re getting old and the one who holds onto hope will always wind up getting hurt. If anyone tries to use these lines or similar ones on you, take it gracefully and do not listen to a word they say because at the end of the day, if Mr/Mrs perfect were to walk through that door at that moment, the ‘dumper’ would instantly forget about all their ‘issues’ and ‘confusions’ and it’s likely that you’ll see them married with kids within a year leaving you feeling all like ‘eh? I thought they weren’t looking for anything serious?’

4. Complacency

Similar scenario as those above in that mustering up the courage to tell someone that you’re not really diggin’ them any more can fill you to your core with anxiety, and the whole ordeal of sitting them down and telling them to their face can seem worse then staying in the relationship, getting married, having a few kids and retiring to the south of France, albeit a entirely loveless and miserable existence, it seems pleasant enough to onlookers. But by doing that you’re not doing anyone any favours, you’re holding the person you don’t love back from finding someone who might genuinely make them happy and that’s not nice. In this situation the face-to face confrontation can be a slippery slope, it’s so easy to settle for less and play out a relativity OK, average, and nice relationship when you’re trying tell someone who hasn’t done anything wrong that you don’t love them.

Because breaking-up is tough, here’s a list of alternative break up avenues that I can neither recommend nor not recommend to help you to GTFO of a sticky relationship;

  • For the long distance love loss – why not try sending a message in a bottle? Or carrier pigeon if you’re feeling really chic.
  • To end an office fling – make it an exciting experience for the whole office and send a fax.
  • For the arty prick– spell it out by rehearsing a succinct interpretive dance, followed by refreshments and a Q&A.
  • To end a playground marriage – Get your friend to dump them for you.
  • For the drunk 3am break up – a voicemail shall suffice, singing of Taylor Swift is optional yet encouraged.
  • For the midnight getaway – write them a note and pop it in their sock drawer/ leave various clues in cryptic form around their apartment. It will be like a really, really fun scavenger hunt for them, trust me.
  • To break up with someone who is too incredibly nice – Simply act like a vile, psychotic moron until they get so sick of your shit that they do the leg work and chuck you, so you don’t have to sweat it.
  • For the BBB (Back burner bro) – stop all communication with them whatsoever until they eventually get the hint.
  • If you’ve cheated on your other half  but don’t have the balls to tell them– Continuously play and sing ‘Creep’ by TLC at all given opportunities spent around them, even in their sleep so that they subconsciously learn of your infidelities, whilst also making you feel like your cheating was justified. Because if Lisa Left Eye sings about creepin’, then it’s OK, right?
  • When you’ve been cheated on – then and only then would I personally break up face to face, as watching them squirm and possibly cry in public is acceptable in this situation, because of it’s beneficial cathartic properties.
  • Other classic and timeless methods of breaking-up compatible with all types of relationship include, the facebook relationship status, facebook messenger, text and email.
  • For the valentine’s day let down – Anti-love hearts


On a serious note, breaking up is usually a horrific experience for both parties involved. Each break-up is subject to the type of relationship it stems from. Sometimes it’s not necessary to meet up and chat about breaking up, it’s just humiliating and upsetting, in other situations it is completely necessary. It all depends on the sitch’. However, one thing stands true for all, the shorter the break-up period is, the sweeter it is to move on.

2 thoughts on “Break-Ups

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